ICE Agent Rethinking His Commitment to a White Ethno-State

---Honestly, Anywhere in Florida

Five year ICE veteran Jason Hernandez is starting to have second thoughts. "You know, when I first started this job, I had heroic illusions of kicking down doors and uprooting families, but in a good kinda way, ya know?" Stating that he got into the job primarily for the opportunity to travel, Hernandez realized that splitting up families was just icing on the cake. "With Obama, I felt like yeah, this guy is only kinda committed to returning 8 year olds back to countries they've never been, but his heart wasn't fully in it....like he kinda was hoping the courts would stop him. With President Trump, I know he's fully committed to keeping our demographics in check, so, initially, I was exhilarated." However, Jason has recently begun to have doubts about just how committed he really is to putting a stop to the ongoing demographic shift. "I've noticed that in the past few months I've really lost my passion for this, I've found myself having to explain my last name more and more to my co-workers" Hernandez, who adamantly refutes any Hispanic heritage despite his name sounding "eerily illegal-esque" as his co-workers assert, states that his family name is a result of his father changing the family name in hopes that his children would benefit from affirmative action.

"It started out innocent, like, hey look it's Hernandez, but now it's really taken a dark turn, now, my co-workers say stuff like 'boy I know it sucks to have to tear apart your own'" Hernandez states that he misses the casual, subliminal racism his workplace was once known for. Now, he says, he feels like an oppressed minority. "Is this what minorities feel like? I guess I kinda get it now, I thought with my last name I could like get into prestigious colleges with bad grades or jobs I'm not qualified for, or something like that" When asked if recent workplace interactions have put a damper on his enthusiasm for the upcoming raid of daycare, Hernandez replied "I guess, maybe between now and then something changes, but for now, I'm still committed"

Area Man Claims He Had Anxiety Well Before It Was Cool

Osh Kosh, WI- Local TV and VCR repairman William Roth is quite upset these days, and for good reason. "Everyone is so accepting of mental illness nowadays, I remember back in my day when we held it like real men" This comes after a recent trend of high profile individuals, including many professional athletes and celebrities, have gone into detail on their personal struggles with mental illness, including anxiety and depression.

"Why can't they just keep it to themselves?" agreed owner of local family-owned bakery, Just Buns, Randolph Jensen. "I mean, I held it in and turn out just fine. And I made my sons do the same. I'll be damned if it raise boys who express how they feel"

Psychologists have noted that due to the recent changes in social attitudes toward mental illness, many groups, whom, otherwise would not seek help, such as males and minorities, have begun to seek help. They argue that the recent upward tick in the number of diagnosed cases of depression aren't necessarily related to more depression, just less cases of individuals refusing treatment. But Mr. Roth disagreed "Look at all these new cases of mental illness, I'm convinced this new generation is just soft"

Psychiatrists have pointed to this recent change in attitudes as a net positive, and many have begun to see an uptick in business. "I was finally able to get myself that boat I always wanted, I mean I had one, but it looked very working class, I finally feel like my income, title, and boat are all in agreement" said local psychiatrist Spenser Dimwidde M.D. However, many attitudes still persist about the mental illness all just being in your head. When asked if he would ever set aside his toxic ideas of masculinity, Mr. Jensen simply replied "No."

"Clean Energy Waiting to Be Used, Any Day Now" Says Nation's Engineers

New Haven, CT--- Stating that they just wanted to let everyone know in case they forgot; scientists at a conference at Yale have stated the technology for clean energy is ready to be implemented any day now. "Solar, wind, geothermal, whatever--we got it and we're not afraid to use it" claimed Dr. Freida Thurman, "Not trying to sound passive aggressive or anything, but we're just really anxious." Some of the leading scientists in the field have gathered at Yale for a weeklong seminar and retreat on the topic of Renewable Energy. Many of the nation’s engineers have been saying for years that the technology was ready, but not much progress has been made. “I mean, we even tried to get Rihanna to sing a song we wrote about how ready this technology was…..she said our budget was nowhere near what she requires, so I got my niece to sing it….maybe that’s why we haven’t gotten anywhere” pondered Dr. Steve Jensen. A recurring theme at the retreat, so far, has been how attitudes on their work changes every election. Jensen added, “It’s impossible to get any progress, I mean one year we got a governor saying let’s do it, the next year we got a guy saying Jesus will provide our energy needs….it never seems to be consistent really”. Other issues reported that there is currently an extension cord shortage in many states. Scientists heard from consumers who reported that they would like to buy electric cars, but there is currently a dearth of extension cords in their area.

“How am I supposed to plug my car in to charge? I already got like 12 things on one power strip already, and I’m not unplugging my Xbox,” charged Joe Wytgui, local toaster repairman. “and to make it even worst, I’m pretty sure those cars use those weird 3 prong plugs, and I’m all out of adapters, this is why I still choose to drive a regular car” When informed that electric cars do not use such outlets, Mr. Wytgui doubled down, stating “That’s what they want you to think! Know why? Because they got Big Clean Energy’s money all in their pockets” At the end of the conference, the nation’s leading scientists ultimately came to the conclusion that for now, such technology will likely remain on the shelf, and will most likely continue to ignore such advances themselves until something stronger than several decades of research comes along.