"Clean Energy Waiting to Be Used, Any Day Now" Says Nation's Engineers

New Haven, CT--- Stating that they just wanted to let everyone know in case they forgot; scientists at a conference at Yale have stated the technology for clean energy is ready to be implemented any day now. "Solar, wind, geothermal, whatever--we got it and we're not afraid to use it" claimed Dr. Freida Thurman, "Not trying to sound passive aggressive or anything, but we're just really anxious." Some of the leading scientists in the field have gathered at Yale for a weeklong seminar and retreat on the topic of Renewable Energy. Many of the nation’s engineers have been saying for years that the technology was ready, but not much progress has been made. “I mean, we even tried to get Rihanna to sing a song we wrote about how ready this technology was…..she said our budget was nowhere near what she requires, so I got my niece to sing it….maybe that’s why we haven’t gotten anywhere” pondered Dr. Steve Jensen. A recurring theme at the retreat, so far, has been how attitudes on their work changes every election. Jensen added, “It’s impossible to get any progress, I mean one year we got a governor saying let’s do it, the next year we got a guy saying Jesus will provide our energy needs….it never seems to be consistent really”. Other issues reported that there is currently an extension cord shortage in many states. Scientists heard from consumers who reported that they would like to buy electric cars, but there is currently a dearth of extension cords in their area.

“How am I supposed to plug my car in to charge? I already got like 12 things on one power strip already, and I’m not unplugging my Xbox,” charged Joe Wytgui, local toaster repairman. “and to make it even worst, I’m pretty sure those cars use those weird 3 prong plugs, and I’m all out of adapters, this is why I still choose to drive a regular car” When informed that electric cars do not use such outlets, Mr. Wytgui doubled down, stating “That’s what they want you to think! Know why? Because they got Big Clean Energy’s money all in their pockets” At the end of the conference, the nation’s leading scientists ultimately came to the conclusion that for now, such technology will likely remain on the shelf, and will most likely continue to ignore such advances themselves until something stronger than several decades of research comes along.