Wednesday, April 11, 2018

"These Protests Are Making Me Uncomfortable" says Targets of Nation's Protests

Stating that the recent protests sweeping the nation concerning racism, police brutality, and inequality are starting to make them feel uncomfortable, the nation's targets of such protests are beginning to strike back. "Look, I completely understand where these protests are coming from, but I just wish these groups could find another way to protest that doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable" Ever since the recent protest of a few NFL players during the national anthem, many sports fans are also starting to call for a change--to the protests themselves that is.

"Look, I respect the constitution and first amendment and all that stuff, but these players taking a knee are being really disruptive, I come to these games to watch football, not protest, and that includes during the national anthem", said Jets season tickets holder Douglas Kern. "I just wish they'd protest on their own time, so I wouldn't have to acknowledge this disrespect." Many NFL fans say that they have begun to be turn off by the anthem protest, and are beginning to question their love of watching large men crashing into one another due to some of the players actually admitting they are indeed sentient beings who have an existence outside of the physically detrimental sport.

"I am so tired of these spoiled millionaires who play a game for a career talking about injustice," says Pittsburgh Steelers season ticket holder, indirect billionaire supporter and totally not jealous fan Jason Lawrence. "They need to stick to sports". Stick to sports is a refrain from many NFL fans who believe that the athletes should focus on the only thing they are good at, and leave complex racial and socioeconomic matters that plague minorities of all social strata to the much more informed sports fans. "I'm tired of politics that I don't agree with being interjected into sports, sports used to be an escape," says the never systemically oppressed Eagles fan Kevin White. With many sports fans and Americans, in general feeling threatened by calls for equality, one thing is certainly clear: these protesters need to find a more constructive, less offensive way to call for basic dignity than peaceful protest.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Tax Cuts Should Start Trickling Down Any Day Now

Washington D.C.---

Claiming now that tax cuts have had the necessary 35 year minimum waiting period to take effect, economists at the Heritage Foundation have now begun to claim that said effects of tax cuts from 1983 budget will kick in any day now. "The raging income inequality created was just a side effect, now, Americans will really start to see the benefits of all of this effect them in the stock market" said staff economist Charles Benedict.

This is good news to the ears of residents of working class, and Republican stronghold, La Crosse, WI. Local Teamster Randy Blackwell, member of Local 139 Teamsters Union, stated that despite his initial hesitations toward the union-busting and tax cut policies of the Reagan administration, he bought into the message eventually due to his completely unrelated message of welfare reform. 

"It was hard at first, seeing a lot of my fellow union members lose their jobs, but the hope of finally reforming our out of control entitlement system drew me in, and I'm glad to have been vindicated now that the benefits of those policies are expected to kick in any day now....It's been a tough 35 years." When informed that most of those benefits will be seen to those who own stock, Blackwell, who does not own any stock, replied "Look, I'll take them at their word, I believed in Reagan, and if he said tax cuts will trickle down, then I'll take his word." This seems to be a theme we've heard in our time in town. Residents have decided that they trust the word and promise of the former presidential administration over several decades of research and data that concludes otherwise. This much is clear, in order to win over these potential voters, Democrats will have to offer something stronger than clear, well-defined economic messaging.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Jesus Christ, Once Again, Decides Today Not the Day to Return

Kingdom of Heaven-- After consulting with his closest 11 friends, Jesus has once again decided that based on everything going on Earth, today would not be the best day to announce his return, reported a spokesangel of the Heavenly Kingdom.

 "Every morning, Jesus sits down with his advisers, who bring him up to date on what's happening down on Earth, and based on this advice, Jesus decides whether or not it would be a good idea to announce his return. Once again, upon review, he determined today would not be a good day, and looks forward to meeting yet again tomorrow morning to decide if he should return" This marks the 736,570th day that Jesus has decided against announcing his return. When asked what all goes into making a decision, his spokesangel replied: "It's a variety of factors, Jesus considers the weather, economic and geopolitical situation, availability of white horses, and the ratio of sinners, gentiles, and believers, amongst other factors." "He feels that when the time's right, he will make his return, he's worried about making a premature return, as in  his words 'second impressions are everything'".

When pressed that currently there is record income inequality, a rapidly changing climate, and a resurgence of antisemitism and other far-right ideologies, a spokesangel for Jesus informed us that "Jesus is aware of all this, but prefers to stay out of economic and political situations" he also pointed out that "By comparison to when he was on Earth, fewer people are living on $2/day, there are iPhones, fast food, and they have that Feed the Children program too, so it's not all bad" Experts believe that recent trends suggest Jesus will most likely announce his return on a weekday, as inside sources have suggested Jesus prefers to take the weekends off. Also, many experts believe that the announcement will come before mid-day, as Jesus has become more of a morning person in the last few years. Critics, however say that, with all day breakfast now at McDonald's, we can't really say for sure what time of day Jesus will return, as breakfast is a deciding factor in his decision making as well. However, everyone has just about agreed on one thing--it probably won't happen tomorrow either.
Local College Grad Working at Starbucks Until Screenplay Takes Off, Or Fundamental Shift in Economy, Whichever Happens First

Silver Lake, Los Angeles--

26 year old Doctoral student Ben Fleishman has stated that the only reason he is working at the local Starbucks is that he's waiting until the screenplay he's been working on takes off. "Yeah, I mean at this point, I'm in so much debt, I don't even care anymore, and besides, the job gives me time to work on my writing" The screenplay, which Fleishman states is a coming of age movie that involves a shut in girl finally gaining the courage to come outside when she gets a dreamy next door neighbor, has been in the editing process for the past 4 years. "I feel my big break coming any day now, I got a reply from a couple production companies, mostly cease and desists, but it's encouraging to know they've acknowledged my work"

When asked how his screenplay is any different from the other numerous movies already sharing the plot, Fleishman responded "the character development is really good, I mean we see her really gain self-confidence over the film" Again, pressed on how this is any different from the dozens of other screenplays sharing this plot, Fleishman, visibly perturbed, retorted "You just don't get my work, my vision, you'll see" However, the screenplay isn't the only option that Fleishman is waiting on. "Yeah my screenplay is my primary goal, but honestly, I'm also counting on a fundamental shift in the structure of the economy any day now"

"I feel like at this point, with income inequality the way it is, I'm just waiting for a total overthrow of the economic model any day now, wherein we eat the rich then redistribute their wealth....but honestly, at this point, I'd settle for universal healthcare, the overthrow of the economy would just be a pleasant surprise...icing on the cake" Fleishman, who's uninsured, noted that he takes 2 Aleeve per day as a form of preventative healthcare. When asked when he expects either of these two things to occur, and which he predicts will happen first, Fleishman replied "I really can't say, but you can contribute to my GoFundMe"

Monday, April 2, 2018

Introverts Overwhelmed By Size of Crowd at Introvert Gathering

Cincinnati, OH--- A recent gathering of introverts within the Tri-State area has left many introverts at the conference exhausted and feeling overwhelmed. Stating that they didn't know so many people would show up and actually want to talk, attendees of the conference have begun to feel smothered. "I really thought that it would just be a small, intimate gathering, but, turns out, there are so many people here, and some want to interact....this guy introduced himself to me and tried to engage me and honestly, I'm exhausted." recalled introvert Sarah Vincennes, of Middletown, OH. This convention has come about after months of rescheduling by the planners, stating that they just needed more time to themselves before undertaking such an effort.

"Honestly, we've been planning this since last year, but after each phone call, I just felt like I needed time to recharge from the interaction, so we've been pushing it back, until finally, we decided to just communicate via e-mail." said event coordinator Tim Wells. He added "I didn't know so many people would show up, it's really throwing me off"

26 year-old introvert, and pipe fitter Reed Stintson isn't letting the crowds get to him "I brought a book and some headphones in case interactions become too much. I've even been practicing my daydream look". When asked for a comment on the outlook of the possibilities of having another conference next year, organizers responded that they will need personal time before committing to another undertaking.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

ICE Agent Rethinking His Commitment to a White Ethno-State

---Honestly, Anywhere in Florida

Five year ICE veteran Jason Hernandez is starting to have second thoughts. "You know, when I first started this job, I had heroic illusions of kicking down doors and uprooting families, but in a good kinda way, ya know?" Stating that he got into the job primarily for the opportunity to travel, Hernandez realized that splitting up families was just icing on the cake. "With Obama, I felt like yeah, this guy is only kinda committed to returning 8 year olds back to countries they've never been, but his heart wasn't fully in he kinda was hoping the courts would stop him. With President Trump, I know he's fully committed to keeping our demographics in check, so, initially, I was exhilarated." However, Jason has recently begun to have doubts about just how committed he really is to putting a stop to the ongoing demographic shift. "I've noticed that in the past few months I've really lost my passion for this, I've found myself having to explain my last name more and more to my co-workers" Hernandez, who adamantly refutes any Hispanic heritage despite his name sounding "eerily illegal-esque" as his co-workers assert, states that his family name is a result of his father changing the family name in hopes that his children would benefit from affirmative action.

"It started out innocent, like, hey look it's Hernandez, but now it's really taken a dark turn, now, my co-workers say stuff like 'boy I know it sucks to have to tear apart your own'" Hernandez states that he misses the casual, subliminal racism his workplace was once known for. Now, he says, he feels like an oppressed minority. "Is this what minorities feel like? I guess I kinda get it now, I thought with my last name I could like get into prestigious colleges with bad grades or jobs I'm not qualified for, or something like that" When asked if recent workplace interactions have put a damper on his enthusiasm for the upcoming raid of daycare, Hernandez replied "I guess, maybe between now and then something changes, but for now, I'm still committed"

Area Man Claims He Had Anxiety Well Before It Was Cool

Osh Kosh, WI- Local TV and VCR repairman William Roth is quite upset these days, and for good reason. "Everyone is so accepting of mental illness nowadays, I remember back in my day when we held it like real men" This comes after a recent trend of high profile individuals, including many professional athletes and celebrities, have gone into detail on their personal struggles with mental illness, including anxiety and depression.

"Why can't they just keep it to themselves?" agreed owner of local family-owned bakery, Just Buns, Randolph Jensen. "I mean, I held it in and turn out just fine. And I made my sons do the same. I'll be damned if it raise boys who express how they feel"

Psychologists have noted that due to the recent changes in social attitudes toward mental illness, many groups, whom, otherwise would not seek help, such as males and minorities, have begun to seek help. They argue that the recent upward tick in the number of diagnosed cases of depression aren't necessarily related to more depression, just less cases of individuals refusing treatment. But Mr. Roth disagreed "Look at all these new cases of mental illness, I'm convinced this new generation is just soft"

Psychiatrists have pointed to this recent change in attitudes as a net positive, and many have begun to see an uptick in business. "I was finally able to get myself that boat I always wanted, I mean I had one, but it looked very working class, I finally feel like my income, title, and boat are all in agreement" said local psychiatrist Spenser Dimwidde M.D. However, many attitudes still persist about the mental illness all just being in your head. When asked if he would ever set aside his toxic ideas of masculinity, Mr. Jensen simply replied "No."