Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Jesus Christ, Once Again, Decides Today Not the Day to Return

Kingdom of Heaven-- After consulting with his closest 11 friends, Jesus has once again decided that based on everything going on Earth, today would not be the best day to announce his return, reported a spokesangel of the Heavenly Kingdom.

 "Every morning, Jesus sits down with his advisers, who bring him up to date on what's happening down on Earth, and based on this advice, Jesus decides whether or not it would be a good idea to announce his return. Once again, upon review, he determined today would not be a good day, and looks forward to meeting yet again tomorrow morning to decide if he should return" This marks the 736,570th day that Jesus has decided against announcing his return. When asked what all goes into making a decision, his spokesangel replied: "It's a variety of factors, Jesus considers the weather, economic and geopolitical situation, availability of white horses, and the ratio of sinners, gentiles, and believers, amongst other factors." "He feels that when the time's right, he will make his return, he's worried about making a premature return, as in  his words 'second impressions are everything'".

When pressed that currently there is record income inequality, a rapidly changing climate, and a resurgence of antisemitism and other far-right ideologies, a spokesangel for Jesus informed us that "Jesus is aware of all this, but prefers to stay out of economic and political situations" he also pointed out that "By comparison to when he was on Earth, fewer people are living on $2/day, there are iPhones, fast food, and they have that Feed the Children program too, so it's not all bad" Experts believe that recent trends suggest Jesus will most likely announce his return on a weekday, as inside sources have suggested Jesus prefers to take the weekends off. Also, many experts believe that the announcement will come before mid-day, as Jesus has become more of a morning person in the last few years. Critics, however say that, with all day breakfast now at McDonald's, we can't really say for sure what time of day Jesus will return, as breakfast is a deciding factor in his decision making as well. However, everyone has just about agreed on one thing--it probably won't happen tomorrow either.

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